My Story - Beauty Can Come From Ashes

Posted on June 29 2018

This is my story. It’s a story of pain and abuse, but more importantly a story of healing, wholeness, hope, love and contentment. If you have a story of pain then you too can have a story of healing, because where there is darkness there is always a way to the light.

You know the saying “I’ve hit rock bottom”? Well I have, a few times. In fact I made rock bottom my home for a number of years. It wasn’t intentional, and it felt like it was out of my control, it seemed like it was happening to me.

Looking back though, I understand that there was a pattern, a way of thinking that deeply influenced my feelings, which formed my way of life which in turn formed my reality and how I saw myself and the world. Which attracted all the wrong kinds of people and circumstances to me like a magnet.

I was a super-magnet for all the wrong things.

My great discovery is that I now know why it happened. I can see how my thoughts spiralled out of control from a very young age. In fact, my youngest memory is from when I was two years old, I know this because I was wearing a very specific pair of flowery pyjamas that my mom says I had when I was two.

It’s not a great memory, when I recall it, it feels like it was only a moment ago…I was feeling deeply sad, deeply inadequate, and painfully alone with my emotions. At the time, I couldn’t begin to understand these feelings or where they had come from, so my young two year-old mind fully believed that there was something very wrong with me. And I lived with these deep-seated core beliefs until the age of thirty.

These beliefs affected every moment of my life, every decision. And made me a painfully shy and fearful person with very little to no self esteem. Every day felt like a struggle. But I hid the pain well, I was ashamed of these feelings and so I lived with them all alone.

When I was twenty five I married a man who was wrong for me on every level, even though I really didn’t know he would treat me badly, I knew he wasn’t the kind of man I had always wanted – but I didn’t believe I was worthy of a great man.

I lived out my worst nightmare for 15 months (which felt like 5 years). Until I finally realised that it was OK to leave, that it didn’t matter what people would think. All that mattered was that I knew I was doing the right thing for me. I was dying from the inside out in that marriage and even though I was utterly broken, a mere shadow of the person I was before, I knew I didn’t deserve to live that way for the rest of my life. I HAD to leave. And it was the best decision I could have made.

My road to recovery was long, it was a daily battle. You find out who your true friends are in times like these, and I am forever grateful to the people who stood by me.

Even though I was out of a terrible situation and was now safe, I had completely lost my hope. I believed that something bad was always around the corner, just waiting to jump out at me. So much so that I missed anything good that happened, all the little miracles just passed me by, unnoticed.

Shortly after I turned thirty, my father became very ill and was hospitalised over Christmas, we spent many days that turned into weeks going back and forth to hospitals while doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. Eventually a diagnosis was reached. This was the last straw for me, and led me to realise that I could no longer cope with my lifetime of emotions and negative experiences alone, I needed help. So I went to see a wonderful psychologist.

This is where my path to healing began.

“EMPOWERING INTENTIONS BRING US JOY, AND JOY IS THE CATALYST FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD!” – The Universe Has Your Back, Gabrielle Burnstein

I spent a full year working on myself with my therapist, understanding my past and why I had always felt the way I had. I realised that those core beliefs had come from other people’s harsh words, judgements and negative self-beliefs and actually had nothing to do with me or who I was.

This was the most enlightening and freeing realisation of my life – there was never anything wrong with me. I was just a little girl caught up in other peoples battles and their less than ideal outlook on the world.

Now that I understood this, I could start to put the pieces back together. My broken-ness became strength, my self-loathing transformed into acceptance and eventually self-love. And a realisation dawned that the world is full of beauty, full of abundance that is and was always there, waiting for me to claim what was always mine.

“THE WOUND IS THE PLACE WHERE THE LIGHT ENTERS YOU.” – Rumi

Living in sadness and fear is not a natural state, it’s not how we should feel every day. I now know that there is so much joy, so much goodness to behold. Getting to the bottom of my sadness and realising where the negative core beliefs came from allowed me to make huge changes to my thinking.

This is where it all stems from, our thoughts are the source of our feelings and our feelings dictate our perception of reality. This was a very powerful realisation for me and it truly changed my life.

Small right actions add up over time, one small step in front of the other, knowing that I can do my best today, and that’s enough.

Your life has ultimate significance, the world needs you and all that you can uniquely offer!

“THE PATHWAY TO HEALING OCCURS WHEN YOU LOVE YOURSELF SO MUCH THAT THE DARKNESS FROM THE PAST CAN NO LONGER CO-EXIST WITH YOUR FAITH IN THE LIGHT OF THE PRESENT MOMENT” – The Universe Has Your Back, Gabrielle Burnstein

Six years after my divorce, I’m living in a beautiful little beach town in a new country. I have the most wonderful, sincere, supportive people in my life, and I can honestly say that most days I wake up feeling content. This is a very new feeling for me, something I had never felt until very recently.

I’m here to tell you it’s possible…You are not alone, you may be broken, but hope is never lost. You can always put yourself back together and start again, it’s never too late. Beauty CAN come from ashes.

Welcome healing into your life, know that all things are possible, and expect miracles – they’re all around us, all the time, we just need to notice them.

If you’re struggling with something that seems overwhelming or if you’re living through something deeply painful I encourage you to seek help, whether that means sharing your story with a trusted friend, or seeing a therapist, just be willing to take that first step.

You are enough. You are worthy. You can do this. I believe in you!

Here are a few resources that helped me immensely on my path to healing and continue to help me daily:

I meditate every morning, which helps me to stay in balance, clears my mind and gives me a sense of peace and purpose. I also do yoga regularly and have recently fallen in love with barre technique and cardio barre classes as well as HIIT cardio classes, all of which I have listed below.

The most impactful book I have read to date: The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein

Check out: Gabrielle Bernstein’s Super Soul Sunday Talk on youtube

Guided Meditations:

Body And Soul Workouts:

Beginners yoga: Yoga with Adriene
Intermediate to advanced yoga: Boho Beautiful

Barre technique: Sleek Technique
Cardio barre: Pop Sugar
HIIT cardio classes:Body Project

Please share this post with loved ones, friends, anyone who you think will benefit. Thank you for reading my story, I hope it gives you a little hope and adds a little light and love to your day!

You can read more about me and why I started my healthy food and lifestyle blog on my About page.

I always love hearing from you, let me know what you think or what you’re feeling in the comments!

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